Jamon’s Guide of Discovery for People who are Dating or Considering Marriage

Will each person recognize that he/she is forming a new family and will each look to the other for love, comfort, companionship, and support?

Entering into marriage is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Therefore, it is advised that you seek advice or counseling from an attorney or the clergy.

Will affection be continued throughout the marriage and be freely given and accepted as part of the on-going love for each other? Will being physically near, hugging, and kissing also be included as affection?

Is either person an alcoholic or an abuser of alcohol or drugs? In the event that either person at a later date develops a problem with alcohol or drugs, will that person seek professional help?

Will each person revel his/her ancestral history regarding country of origin, race, religious history, or other family background information that may be of interest?

Birth control, if any, should be agreed upon.

Will each person have the right to make career changes? If changes are made, will the other person support the change?

Will care for any children either of prior marriage living in the household or born of this marriage be a shared responsibility? Such care may include daily care, special needs, or discipline.

Is each person in this country legally?

Will either person withhold communication? The word communication is being defined as the verbal exchange of thoughts, information or feelings.

If either person is unable to control his/her actions or emotions or is causing emotional or physical harm to others, will that person submit to treatment, counseling, or professional help until such actions are controlled?

The use of credit, credit cards, and indebtedness should be discussed and agreed upon.

Has either person ever been arrested, jailed, or imprisoned? If so, for what?

Does either person have any outstanding debt? If so, who will pay these debts after the marriage? Has either person filed for bankruptcy or had a judgment filed against him/her? May either person request a credit report?

Disagreements should not be in front of children, relatives, uninvolved parties, or in public. Any disagreements should be in private and if possible should be resolved before going to bed.

Will each person make a contribution to domestic duties? These duties include home cleaning, kitchen work, cleaning bath and grooming areas, household maintenance and yard care.

May either person continue education or train for new job skills?

Will either person assume the right to take excessive risk with money, credit, or self-commitment which would threaten the loss of home, family income, credit, or cause a threat to the marriage?

Which person or will both people be responsible for food purchasing and preparation?

In any conflict, forgiveness is a part of the healing process. If forgiveness is sincerely sought, it should not be withheld and every attempt made to restore the relationship and marriage.

Will either person become involved or associate with people who have an interest in the break-up of this marriage or may cause one or both people to become involved in illegal or immoral activities?

Does either person have a genetic history of any illness, heart disease, or any other genetic condition that may shorten life, be inherited by children, or cause a person to be institutionalized?

Any habits or compulsions that either person presently has should be revealed. Such habits may include smoking, gambling, alcohol or drug abuse, flirting, lying, stealing, snoring, sleep-walking or other unusual sleeping habits, excessive television watching, excessive viewing of pornography, excessive talking on the telephone, unusual eating habits, excessive computer usage, stinginess, excessive sports watching, unprovoked anger, personal health or cleanliness habits, housekeeping habits, compulsive spending, verbal abuse of others, use of foul language, or any other habits or compulsions. Habits a person now has will likely continue after marriage; Do not expect change after marriage!

Is either person hiding any past experience, problem, or illegal activity that if revealed would cause physical or emotional harm?

If either person has a hobby, recreation, or sport that he/she wants to continue after marriage, will that person be able to do it as long as it is not life-threatening or would cause a financial hardship? Will pets now owned be allowed to be kept after marriage?

If either person might choose to become a home manager, it should be discussed and agreed upon before marriage. A home manager is a person who works in the home full-time and manages the day-to-day operations of that home.

Will each person be honest throughout the marriage?

Is either person presently engaged in any illegal or immoral activities?

Will incoming monies be for the benefit of the marriage and not be considered the property of one person even if one person is the major or only income producer? If both people have income and they decide not to combine their incomes, it should be discussed and agreed upon.

Term life insurance should be purchased on the primary income earner in the amount of at least three times the primary income earner’s annual income or the amount of a mortgage if a home is owned. If there are children, the amount should be at least five times the primary earner’s annual income but may be limited to five hundred thousand dollars until the home is paid for or the youngest child reaches eighteen. The secondary income earner should have term life insurance of at least ten thousand dollars or twice the amount of annual income, if employed, Primary income earner is defined as the person whose income is most relied upon to meet living needs. Other types of insurance that may be needed should be discussed.

Having mutual interests may be a goal in the marriage but will each person have the reasonable right to seek acceptable individual activities?

Which person or will both people be responsible for laundry?

If a child is born of this marriage, who has or develops a physical or mental limitation, would this be a reason for abandonment of the child or dissolution of the marriage?

Is either person entering into this marriage for a marriage of convenience for such purposes as becoming a citizen, financial security, pleasing parents, to give a child a name, or for any other purpose of convenience?

Is either person entering into this marriage for personal, social or financial gain?

Will professional medical and/or dental care be sought when needed?

Is each person presently single and free to marry? Is either person homosexual, bisexual, or a cross-dresser? Has there been any cosmetic surgery that has not been revealed? Has there been any misstatement of age, education, income, social status, or any other misrepresentation?

Which person or will both people manage the money for paying bills, making purchases, banking, and investing?

Will there be children born of this marriage? The number of children desired should be discussed and agreed upon. If either person cannot have children, it should be discussed whether to adopt or not to have children.

Physical changes occur as a result of aging, exercise or lack of exercise, accidents, certain habits, or illness. These changes may result in loss of hair or excess hair, wrinkles, hair color change, coloration or discoloration of skin, changes in dental work, loss of hearing or sight, or physical limitations. Emotional changes may occur as a result of physical changes, job stress, stress caused by children, environmental changes, moving of residence, financial stress, death of a loved one, relatives, or stress brought on by unforeseen circumstances. Each person should accept or reduce the amount of change(s) to keep the marriage as stable as possible.

Political affiliation should be discussed.

Does either person have a contagious or non-contagious disease of any kind or a disease that may have recurring symptoms or any other health problems? Does either person have a physical or mental limitation or receive any form of disability income? If requested, will each person have a physical examination and reveal all of the results of that examination?

Has either person experienced sexual, physical, or emotional abuse in the past that may become a problem in this marriage?

Has either person been married before? If so, reveal the number of times married and if former spouses are alive.

Has either person received counseling from a person of the clergy, psychologist, psychiatrist, marriage counselor, financial counselor, or attempted suicide?

Will either person use prior spouses or friends as a reason for jealousy or disharmony in the marriage? In the event that prior spouses or friends are encountered will they be treated with courtesy?

Will present or future ownership of real estate be shared after marriage?

Will each person reveal his/her religious beliefs or heritage? Discuss which religious holidays each person may or may not observe. Will religious education or school be a part of any child’s development? Will religious participation be a part of the marriage?

Each person is unique. Differences should be respected and neither person should attempt to change the other.

Has there ever been a pregnancy? If so, what was the result of that pregnancy? If pregnancy occurs during this marriage, will that pregnancy be allowed to develop into a child, to be born and have the right to live?

Will sex be a part of this marriage? Will sex be only with each other? If either person is unable to engage in sex because of physical or emotional reasons, will that person seek professional help to restore the natural ability to engage in sex? Will either person be required to perform sex that is physically or emotionally harmful or distasteful?

Sleeping arrangements should be discussed and agreed upon.

If there are children who will live in the household either part-time or full-time who have any particular problems or needs, they should be revealed and discussed. These might include medical, physical, emotional, psychological, behavioral, educational, financial or nutritional.

If either person becomes unemployed for any reason, the unemployed person should not be considered less worthy. Will the employed person emotionally and financially support the unemployed person until that person is reemployed?

Weight change is a normal part of the maturing process and should be expected, but a great amount of change may indicate a health problem or an emotional need that may require professional help.

If there are any children, real estate, or anything else of value that is owned, will each person make a will?